in front of Strawberry Lake waterfall on our trip to Oregon a couple weeks ago
Like many bloggers, I seem to have taken a respite during early pregnancy. Unlike most, however, I can't blame it on being wiped out by the first trimester - it was really because my time was taken away by the food coop I'm involved in, which is a story for another day.
The default question I get asked most often is 'how are you feeling?' I have been lucky enough to not really feel any more tired than usual. In fact, I've continued my habit of staying up later than I should at my computer most nights. There were times I felt like I'd rather nap than go to the gym, but it was subtle enough that I thought I might just be using pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. I had hardly any nausea, as long as I religiously ate eggs and toast for breakfast and didn't go too long without eating. In fact, I was extremely hungry most of the first trimester. This could be because a few months of working with a personal trainer had finally ramped up my metabolism, or my body wanting more nutrients to make a baby, or both. Either way, my metabolism is normally very slow, so it was refreshing to eat as much as I wanted and have it be a positive thing.
Altogether, I felt like my normal self throughout the first trimester...my normal self with a secret. It takes so many weeks before you start to show that it made me feel like, is this really going to happen? Is a baby really going to grow inside of me? I got so used to pregnancy being a secret that it was strange for it to later become a very personal thing that anyone could know about me just by looking at me. Most big life changes are not advertised across your body for strangers to know.
It wasn't until I neared 20 weeks that pregnancy started to make itself and its discomforts known. First the baby's little kicks. A change in my core strength making it difficult to haul my body from side to side and in and out of bed. Anxiety while trying to sleep, mostly out of paranoia that I shouldn't sleep in any other position than on my left side (did you know that's a thing?). Lower back pain, even though I was hoping my newfound back muscles would protect me from that. I think the back pain was actually triggered by riding a new bike, but the pregnancy is making it persist. More recently, I realized I've started having Braxton hicks contractions, though they aren't bothersome (so far). My metabolism has slowed down, as I try to keep the scale from climbing too quickly and feel extremely full two thirds of the time. There's also been a slow decline in my fitness level, probably due in part to working out less frequently and intensely.
I spent last winter mentally psyching myself up to try for this. Trying to come to terms with the idea of staying in from 6pm every night because of children's incomprehensibly early bedtimes, and just generally spending way more time inside my apartment (since I don't love my apartment). I've had nine years of the fabulous young New Yorker lifestyle of going out with friends to happy hours and restaurants and parties and even closing bars at 4am. This year, I realized those nine years could be enough. My life is so busy busy, always rushing from one thing to the next, always feeling like I should be working on something. I feel ready for something that will force me to slow down, for something to feel rewarding in a new way. I crossed a few more minor things off my list of things to do before having a baby, like some last girls nights out dancing ... a solo show ... sushi and oyster dates ... getting in shape just to prove to myself I could. I'll just have to trust that those other big life aspirations in the back of my mind are still possible out there in the future.
As someone who is inherently a planner, it's difficult to prepare yourself for something without knowing when it will happen... immediately, or in a year, or never. We were very lucky that I was able to get pregnant right away. I had spent so much time reminding Evan that it might take a while, that he actually expected it to and was caught off guard.
Now, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all there is to research and learn about all the stuff babies need (also known as building a registry) and how to prepare for birth and newborn care. While I know several people with children, their presence feels peripheral, and I don't have much direct experience with what's to come. It helps that I have complete trust that I picked the right partner, not just for spending my life with, but also for raising a child together. Amidst all the researching, I try to remind myself where this is headed and remind myself to visualize carrying around a little infant. When Evan comes to bed in the morning to hug me goodbye before work, I try to imagine him saying goodbye to two of us. This is the ultimate gamble we're taking...but we forged ahead anyway because it's one of life's ultimate adventures that we want to experience.